My mom recently said to me.. I think you are an extrovert.. I laughed and
was a little defensive because I definitely do not feel like one. I mean,
outgoing, are you kidding me.. no way! I mean if I come across that way it’s
because it is somewhat forced because of fear that someone may think I am rude
or a bitch or hell stuck up. The reality is in a public setting where I am
surrounded by people in large groups, I say more than 5, I honestly would
rather not be the first to speak, to introduce, to share or be in the spot
light. When I am, panic sinks in and my chest freezes, my eyes water as if I
am crying and my face turns bright red. The truth is I prefer to be alone, to
be on the sidelines, to be behind the curtain and to have little interaction
However, I do love to write and share true emotions and feelings but I do
that hiding behind a screen. I am that girl who can over share on social media
but is too scared to walk up to you in public and say hello.. I know it’s
crazy but I am not afraid to admit that flaw in me. I used to think there is something wrong with me, but honestly that is just who I am. I think it’s because on-line I can share and delete and read what I am sharing and correct before posting or edit it after posting or delete if I feel the need but in public..
once the words are spoken that’s it. Or at least that is what my mind tells me.
I know in doing this I am making myself vulnerable to judgement and possibly
the topic of gossip and naysayers.. but I am too old to care anymore. I try not
to acknowledge those behaviors or pay attention.. and when I do it brings me
back to why I hide and stay in my safe place… the comfort of my home with the
people I love most in the world, because lets be real the only judge I care about is God.
So here I am starting this blog.. to share some hard truths and be honest.
Not just with myself but all my readers on what lead me to this very moment to
feel the need to open up to blogging again. I say again because many years ago
when my kids were babies, I had a blog and I thoroughly enjoyed sharing in my
daily life of motherhood but then I stopped. I don’t know what was happening in
my life to stop but I have missed it. Now I am at this point in life where I am
unemployed, working on self-healing, finding my Faith again and learning to
live life sober. So, I hope to find comfort in my new blog space and I hope you
find some comfort in reading.
So, get ready for some hard truths and some deep honesty..