Eight

8 Days. For some that means nothing, for others it means the world. For me that means I DID IT, I have proven to myself that I can do this!

I haven’t had a drink, CBD or pills in 8 days. (When I say pill I mean anxiety medication) I am trying to look at life with a different lens.. sober non-mind altering lens. Its so easy to self medicate when we have a bad day, are stressed, worried, sad, or hell even happy or celebrating. I am just choosing to experience those emotions and moments without alcohol, drugs or pills that change my perspective.

Its like choosing your coffee black or choosing to fill it with creamer. Is it worth the bloating and tummy upset to make it a little sweeter for that moment or do you just take the black coffee learn to love it, just as much as you love it filled with creamer and sugar and enjoy the rest of your day because you aren’t feeling like absolute shit for a temporary feeling or taste?

Since I was a little kid I have always been told to take this to feel better. “Oh you are depressed here are some pills to make you happy” (doctor prescribed) or “Oh you can’t concentrate here are some more pills that will help with that”. Now I am not saying you shouldn’t take the pills that the doctors recommend for you but what I am saying is do not become co-dependent on them unless you absolutely have to. Also I am not saying don’t take your diabetes , heart or, epilepsy medications or medication that keep you alive. I do take medication for my Lupus and Diabetes daily, so please when I say don’t become dependent, I mean on medication that changes your mood, that alters your thinking or emotions and if you need them take them.. this is just my choice.

I remember at 16 or so telling my mom I wasn’t taking that crap anymore and I learned to cope with my depression and ADHD on my own. It was not easy and I had a lot of very dark times in my life but I knew if I trained my brain enough I would survive. I taught myself how to cope in those moments some were positive and some probably not the best choices. To name a few of my therapies as a young adult, drawing houses.. I was obsessed with CAD and interior design and I would spend hours doing this. As an adult now I love to DIY my house, cook and read. One of my biggest positives that I do now is walk.. I used to never workout and I hated walking for exercise but I started forcing myself to. Now I walk at least 2 miles or more a day with my dogs and it gives me such positive mental clarity. On days I don’t I am sluggish and moody and honestly have more temptation to drink then on the days I do walk. There are so many things you can fill your brain with that are positive without having to resort to prescription pills, street drugs or drinking and it took me till now to realize that. I will say I have had to get on antidepressant’s a few other times in my life but I was never on them very long. I just never wanted to be dependent on a drug to tell me how to feel or to dictate my emotions. Same with drinking.. I think that is why I chose not to anymore, because it was a temporary fix to deeper rooted issues that I wasn’t dealing with and now I am realizing I need to face them in order to heal.

A lot of what kept me from giving up alcohol is because I am surrounded by family and friends who drink. I live a lifestyle where there is a lot of booze to be had and is it difficult and scary, F#$K YES but am I of strong mind and will and even bigger F$%K YES!!! I was fearful that it would be too hard, that the temptation would be to difficult to overcome. Another big worry is the pressure to drink, but I just tell them I am not drinking right now or I am choosing to be sober and yes a lot of questions can come from that but I am staying strong. Honestly though.. I haven’t had to face anything too difficult but I am ready for it, I think. I have found some alternative options to help in those moments.. AF (alcohol free) wine, beer and sometimes just reminded myself of my why, is all I need. If it gets to a point that I am feeling to much pressure (not from them, but from myself) I take a walk or separate myself and find a positive outlet, like I start cleaning or cooking or I grab a book or my AirPods and put on “The Sober Mom Life”. I distract my brain from falling into old habits and I am still learning but so far I am overcoming.

Some of the positive changes I have seen in the last week. I am less compulsive.. I am not freaking out if my house isn’t of model quality, I am not obsessing over things like our finances or things being perfect. My face and skin are less dry and puffy and my eyes aren’t as dark. My hair is getting silky again, it was so dry for a long time. My tummy is not as bloated and I don’t have that muffin top that popped up last year that freaked me the F $%K out because I have always had a flat tummy. I have way more patients for my kids and husband. I wake up early and get things done. I mentally feel right, I am no longer anxious or feel like I have to do something right then and there, I am learning to take things slow and embrace life. I fall asleep a lot easier with less worry. I am enjoying laughing more and being more present with my girls and having fun with them. I have also noticed that I am just being me and I haven’t been comparing myself as much as I once did.. no longer trying to keep up with the jones I guess you could say haha. I guess am I am just loving me for me and me sober.

Some REAL HONESTY. I haven’t loved myself in a long time. I have constantly been in the mode of trying to impress everyone. I have looked at myself in the mirror thinking I am too fat or not pretty, or as pretty. I have been trying to keep up with everyone else and their lifestyle, it got to a point it was mentally destroying me. Now that I realize how pathetic and destructive that is. The only person and people I want to impress now are God, myself and my family. Everyone else can love it or leave.

I know that was a lot for only eight days of sobriety but again its the little steps that I am embracing and celebrating and I am so freaking proud of myself.

♡ Melissa